The Campaign for a Free Milton Keynes

About the movement

We in the Campaign for a Free Milton Keynes have received a bad press in recent times.  Condemned by the Council as "Terrorists"; by the Dept of Applied Archaeology at the Open University as "Chalkhengemaniacs"; and by the Way of the Expression of the Outer as "heretics".  Not to mention Dan's mum, who refers to us as "that anorak-wearing bunch of idiots with their stupid ideas who keep cluttering up the living room".

But these doubters have missed the point.  We are a grouping neither of the left nor the right; nor, indeed the centre.  We are dedicated solely to the best interests of the town we love, and desire to see it grow.  In short, we want to see an independent Milton Keynes.  

Why?

Well, two words really - cheap booze.  It's blooming expensive drinking in Milton Keynes - with the exception of Weatherspoons, obviously - and we're fed up with it.  We blame the Chancellor.  The first action of the CFMK on obtaining power in an independent Milton Keynes will be to remove the duty on alcohol.  

But there are other things, as well, of course.  Milton Keynes has a bigger GDP than several European countries.  It has a population more than Monaco, and a very good cycle route system.  There are more miles of dual carriageway in Milton Keynes than on the Island of Guernsey - and that's not part of the United Kingdom, so why should we be?  We demand the right to our own Highway Code, which would have an in-depth section on overtaking while going round roundabouts.  Well, driving's different here. 

Some History

CFMK was formed in 1986.  At the 1987 election, we fielded candidates in both Milton Keynes seats, but polled 6 votes in each.  Outraged at what was clearly ballot rigging by the Conservative Party on a grand scale, we decided the only option was non-violent resistance.  This has included:

• Standing in taxi queues outside Central Milton Keynes Station.  Then, when it's our turn, saying to the taxi driver "I'm sorry, you appear to be licensed in the United Kingdom.  I'll wait for an independent taxi."  Then we walk away.  Point made.
• Breaking into the field containing the Concrete Cows, and moving them each three inches to the right, to show the trouble we could cause if we had a mind for it.
• Standing up at MK Dons games, when we should be sitting down.

Clearly troubled by these tactics, the craven Westminster government gave Milton Keynes Unitary Authority status.  Success!  At last the 4x4 drivers of Beaconsfield, Aylesbury and Great Missenden had no power over us.  We could run our own affairs.  Admittedly, this tiny amount of independence has not been  an unmitigated success.  We have merely to mention the parking charges in Central Milton Keynes.  But we at the CFMK strongly believe that, freed from the control of the London parking regimes, local politicians will bring in free parking for MK folk. 

Our policies

There would be no sense in having an independent Milton Keynes if we did not have our own distinctive national policies.  These will be the things that will be making life better for the citizens of the Republic of Milton Keynes:

Currency

Membership of the European Union will be left for later discussion.  After all, if the Czechs are getting all that money, we ought to be worth a few quid.  The Pound Sterling will be replaced by the "Point", a 3-dimensional pyramidal coin made of pink perspex.  Since it is likely that pointy plastic coins will be damaging to cloth, all clothes shops in Milton Keynes will be made to sell trousers with reinforced pockets by law. 

Booze cruises

Our low-duty policies will make Milton Keynes attractive to day trippers from as far afield as Market Harborough.  To encourage them, we will provide hypermarkets at Milton Keynes Central and Bletchley railway stations, the Little Chef at Fenny Stratford and on the Milton Keynes bank of the Ouse at Turvey Bridge.  The latter will be particularly useful for people from Bedford who fancy a cheap pint.

Border controls

In order to have control over the drink-crazed foreigners - or English - that will flock to MK after we remove alcohol duty, we plan to employ psychopathic thugs to wander round the borders of Milton Keynes, beating up anyone that looks like they're causing trouble.  Of course, at night these border patrol guards will have to return to their jobs as bouncers in Bletchley.

Airport

The Furzton Lake helipad will be renamed "Furzton International Helipad".  This will at least make helicopter travel feasible for the international traveller - perhaps going as far as Towcester or even Luton.  However, in order to provide Milton Keynes with the facilities to start its onw low-cost budget airline, we propose to request from the United Kingdom government that Cranfield Airfield be transferred from Bedfordshire.  In return we'll let them have Bean Hill.  Seems fair to us. 

Internet

We expect great things to come from the new .mk suffix on the Internet.  Due to the laissez-faire attitude we plan to employ towards online gambling, we expect sufficient inflows from the rest of the world that we can abolish income tax within three years of independence.

Burger vans

Burger vans will be compulsory on all redways.  Well, cyclists get hungry as well - particularly when cycling back from an evening out drinking the amazingly cheap alcohol.

Armed Forces

The Milton Keynes Navy (Brian's uncle can lend us a narrow boat) will of course patrol our water borders - that is to say, the Ouse and the Great Union Canal.  We plan to have a highly-professional, volunteer Milton Keynes army.  While we will in principle be in favour of membership of NATO, we do plan to go down to Leighton Buzzard on the train to smash the place up a bit.  Well, we just don't like it much. 

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